No longer “recently” divorced.

So I realized today that I am no longer “recently” divorced.  I’m just plain divorced.  I’m not sure why that hit me today but it did and it kind of rocked me emotionally in a way that I can’t really explain. 

 

I’m no longer “recently” 

 

 With this new epiphany, I think that it might be okay to maybe talk about it a bit now.  I don’t think I’ve written a word on this or any other blog since I found out she was leaving cause the only thing that I could think about to write was the “recently” and it was just

still

too

“recent”. 

I’ve used it as an excuse for quite some time and it’s time to put the excuse away.  Here’s the honest truth.  
I’m divorced and it fucking sucks!  It’s hard.  It continues to knock me on my ass at least once a month when I least expect it.  I’ll read an article about a cancer patient that “wouldn’t have made it without their spouse” and just collapse because she wont be there for me if I get cancer.  I’ll see a couple happily walking down the street and just loose it.  2 years later.  No longer “recently”.  Just plain old divorced.  

I write this not to wine or gain your pity because that’s really not something that I or really any divorced person needs but to encourage those that are in the same boat.  You are not alone.  

I also write this less for you and more for me because I’ve just gotta get it out.

Here’s where I’m at almost 2 years later.  

There are nights, and sometimes days that I’m very lonely.  I’m bitter a lot, angry some, and a lot more emotional than I’m comfortable with.  I’m a bit jaded, less of a romantic than I was, and much more cynical.  But I’m not planning on staying here.  

Though the last 2 years have been 2 of the roughest of my life they have still been 2 years of LIFE.  I’ve had much more one on one time with my daughter than I probably would have and for that I am so greatful.  I’ve been surrounded by a freaking amazing church and an awesome group of elders and pastors.  I’ve strengthened friendships and developed new ones that are so precious to me.  And to be honest, I’ve cut loose, had more fun, and been way easier on myself in the past two years. 

I am not my divorce, it is something that happened to me and though I may never get over it, I’m gonna get through it.